Lost To MySelf

I lost the battle, the battle to be a norm. The battle only indicated how emotional unbalanced I am right now, in this current situation. People who knows me inside out, would know that no matter how bad my temper is, at home, or towards close friends, I would never bring out that same spoilt brat attitude out to the workplace. And I mean NEVER. But never failed me.

I lost my temper couple of times, or should I said countless of times in camp these days. I don't blame ppl for venting my anger, but I'm frustrated with the way I'm dealing with the situations. I self-praised that my own character might not be a good one, but at least I know I'm one responsible dumDass that will accomplish the things I need to at the end of the day. K, put in simple, I scared kanna FCUKed!

But I was doubted. I was doubted for doing wrongs for some confidential stuffs, stuffs that had already been double confirmed by the higher authority. I was questioned, questioned with questions with no answers, questioned with questions like, "Could the higher authority do wrongly?", or "could you and the higher authority make mistakes?" I was thinking bout what are the model answers that I can come out with when I was bombared. "Yes, the higher authority make mistakes." and "Yes, I have some consipacy with the higher authority after they treat me a cuppa at Fullerton Hotel." Crazy! I was so frustrated that I thought its a hassle to talk back. I replied, "Well, you can doubt me in terms of characters, but please don't doubt me in terms of work."

I'm not mad with him, cause I know his characters. He just wanna get things right. He just wanna doubled, tripled confirmed with the stuffs. But I just don't like to be doubted. To be questioned by him when I'm 99.9% sure I'm right. To be nagged by him about things that I don't think is within my power of limits / my job scope.

And to put in simple, this kind of thing won't happened if it was the real me. I would be happily clearing his doubts. I would patiently answering all his queries. Perhaps, I would even do things that are not within my job scope. Afterall, I used to be a BusyBody... Afterall, I used to score 'A's in industrial attachments and projects....

ShawnTay - Blued

Fighting Against Myself

......................................................................................................

Ever I climbed over the mountain top,
A paradise I would see.
With clouds flowing around;
In the quiteness of the surroundings.

Ever I dived and reached the pit of the ocean,
A dark hole I would see.
With endangered water creatures discovered;
In the darkness of the bottomless pit.

Ever I met an obstacle in the journey of life,
A new challenge I would see.
With determination I fight to conquer;
In a new stage of life with something achieved.

......................................................................................................

My EQ dropped these days. I lost my temper once to Junyu and another few times in camp. It's so unlike me to bring emotional problems to work, especially throwing tantrums to Mike, Bernard, Adam and guys. I'm so unbalanced these days that I don't even know who am I, and how to dealt with myself. I know I'm facing an obstacle in life. I had faced it before, solved it, but it all came back to me like a cycle. But right now, I can't even figured out what is the obstacle. I just hope I can figure it out real soon and back to my normal self. I need to be alone again for a duration. Might be a day, a week, or even more. I don't know. But I'm fighting it.

.............................. ShawnTay - The Fighter ..............................

Little Weekend Update

FRIDAY : Went off to Alexandra for barbequed seafood with the burgies, and then shared a cab down to JurongPoint for The DaVinci Code. Well, storybook is still better then the movie, but I guess the flick provides a good explanation for some "chiminological' theories Dan Brown wrote. Those who never read the book should forgo the movie, trust me, you would rather spent that three hours on bed instead of siting in the theatre... Tom Hanks is still as charimastic thou.

SATURDAY : Went for my dentist appointment, after the last one at 12 years old... *laughs* Bleed, scolded, refilled a tooth, I survived the ordeal without a pain relief jab (costs $40 bucks more) as suggested... Went for a heart to heart session talk with Hua at night (after being cheated by Darren, Audrey and guys =P)... Great to see her get out of The Loser's Club... I was asked about her, and I gave a false answer... *laughs laughs laughs* Out of The Loser's Club?! Nah! I'm still the president... Big Brother Lim is my vice president... Haha...

SUNDAY: Went for a coffee with the burgies except that lazy tall one who's still sleeping... Relax, with cheesecakes, pizzas, gelatos, tiramisu that blended well with a simple coffee...

PS: To the girl if you read my blog... Just wanna tell you to be brave in getting your 直树! Gambatte! But if you are hurt, rejected, sad, my shoulder is still here for you to lean on... I really don't mind being that 阿金 till you find that special someone of yours... That message I sent you that two years ago, about respecting your decision, but I will wait is still there... I'm still waiting aimlessly... but still, 祝妳辛福哦！

ShawnTay - Contradicting, yeah???

THaT CockRoacH!

God damn it... When I was about to sit down on that toilet bowl on mine, I saw a cockroach using his antenna saying hello to me on the nearby basin... I dashed out of the toilet immediately with pants on my legs. And now, the toilet is locked till mum come back to kill that parasite... Haha, sounds sissy? Yup, sissy is my middle name. Call me Shawn Sissy Tay... *laughs* Anyway gals who can kill cockroach really turn me on! Haha.. Weird fetish... So my wife-to-be MUST know how to kill cockroach!!!

Just got the reply from NUS. I got into her Business Adminstration course, but I guessed I'm giving it a miss. After talking to the burgies except that tall one who having his uni trial camp, I was quite conclusive to study Science. Yup, determined. What happen if I can into Life Science, NUS? God damn, flickle minded!!!

Shawn Sissy Tay - And, what happen if the cockroah crawled out!?! GAY!

BaDDie

I am a bastard. Though I'm still on MC, be it due to some workload I didn't do, or the promise I set with my friends there, I decided to stay at home for good instead of heading back to camp as promised. So turned out, Mike and Bernard got to do my work, and I emptied my promise. I still couldn't find the answer I want, despite long hours of sleep. I still can't be happy, even thou I got to when I go back to camp tomorrow. I lost my temper a couple of times there, and it seems like Mike, Bernard, Adam and guys are good enough to dissolve them. They are never the key factors for my lost of temper. It's just me, my own rage of fire, my own feelings towards myself. Perhaps a long rest is good, as I yet to find the answer to answer myself.

ShawnTay - There are still nice ppl around like Mike and Bern, but not me.

SELF-ABUSER

Why do I need to restrict myself? Why should I act like a gentleman when I know I'm not? I want to abuse myself, make life to the worst, grab some grass to smoke or some ice for self abusing, fuck up my life, get a bar's job, and be happy and drunk everyday. I have so many restrictions. That are so many things I can't do. I read her blog. She said she don't love herself anymore. She can only feel pain when she choose to love herself. How bout me? I don't even have the power to love myself. Ppl love me, and so I have to live for them. I lived for everyone except myself.

I want to be a piece of shit.

ShawnTay - I'm an asshole la.

I LOVE MAMA, and Gays' Blogs

My weekend was well spent. Had a little dark secret that was supposed to be hide on thurs (only meihua knows it well), and went to pray at Waterloo Road on Vesak Day, followed by a shopping session at Bugis with my mum, sis and dad. I inherited Mum's and Sis's "I LOVE SHOPPING" habit, while Brother inehrited Dad's "I WAIT OUTSIDE THE SHOP" one. Haha... The gals in my family and I are all shopping freaks!!! Spending five hours in Parco Junction is a little too much, yeah? Imagine the number of bags we carried thereafter... Okay, I guess I sidetracked a little...

Mother's Day Celebration was done twice this year. On sat, we had family dinner at Jurong Hill Restaurant, after attending that seminar at Hyatt. Oh yah, and I saw my primary crush, who is my senior-to-be during the talk. A smart girl who entered River Valley High followed by National JC, and now, final year student at NTU. The talk was boring, but the high tea snacks were good. Went to see ppl fishing after dinner, and we were lucky to see third uncle, Shijie (cuzzie) and Judy (his's gf) fishing there. I guessed our family inherited my grandpa's fishing habits! He was an ex-fisherman...

Today all the daughter-in-laws of my grandma cooked the bestie out of their culinary skills, and we had a great feast with four generations together... It was great fun, and the result was a tired me.

Viewed some blogs today, I was too bored that I started to search for interesting blogs. And happened to come across some gay blogs while searching for "fashion babes" (I don't see the link thou). Anyway they were awesomely sweet. Haha, their writing are so girlish-ly gay that made my hair stood up a few times. However, part of me was really impressed by their truefulness, honesty and sweet XXX sessions... They dare to admit, despite being anti by the society... They dare to love as they dare to hate, not like some wishy washy straight guys who simply can't decide or forget about past loves. I adored them. *laughs* Kenzo and colin (http://colinandkero.blogspot.com/) is one interesting young couple who makes me laugh a mintue or so after reading their entries. I blessed them deep from my heart... =) Awww, they are so sweet.

Shawn Tay - I'm not turning gay la... =P

Mind in Peace

A peaceful week, thou I have to go back to camp every other day prior to a two weeks MC. I slept most of the time, trying to find what are things I seek in life. After some hibernating moments, here are some thoughts:

1. Apply for PPCDL lesson package, july time slot.

2. Sign on the gym package downstairs, after I get May's pay, which is today.
3. Some retail therapy needed, always.
4. A short trip in june or july to wateva destinations with the burgies.

5. Be a voluneeter in an orphanage, pending still.

ShawnTay - I can see some fun sessions ahead.

I feel like a kid in hospital...

Yup. I was admitted to hospital for a day, under the doctor's request. Ward 12, Bed 41, I called my mum to buy 4D, number: 1241, and informed a few closed friends about it the moment they pushed me into the room. Afterall, admitting to hospital isn't a shocking news to me, nor my parents. We have got used to it as I used to spent half of my Secondary Three's life, in and out of the hospital. That day, my parents weren't around, I was absolutely calm, and requested to have a shower before we get into any medical analysis. I'm bloody hot in that green SAF uniform!

The student nurse suggested to bathe me, but I declined the offer, in case of any unnecessary embrassment. So after that shower, I changed into that familiar blue robe for their routine medical check ups. The house doc was a female doctor, and thinking that bad injury could be linked to difficulties in bowel and urinary movements, she pulled down my pants, and poked a "penile sized" plastic looking stuff into my anus! Agrhhh, my virgin ass no more.. =( The worst thing is, she did it in front of the student nurse, who is two years younger then me. I feel like finding a hole and hide my face in it... Next, she got to examine the male counterparts of mine, which I voiced out that I preferred a male doctor....... When eveything done, the student nurse came back with a silly smile on her face, saying that my face was damn red! I was liked, "Hello, u stripped naked in front of me and see whether you will feel the same!" And she burst out laughing... -_-" And we started chatting out of topic... Bout phone numbers, boyfriends, girlfriends, studies and stuffs... *Laughs*

Anyway, after the X ray was done and medical treatments suggested, they send me back home for good the following day with a two weeks MC and tonnes of painkillers... Yeah!

ShawnTay - I promised myself never to bowl again...

Another Phase of Life

Eugene leaving Singapore for ANU,
Darren disrupting Army for NTU.
All of us stepping into another pathway of lives,
Regardless of good or bad.

I hoped by getting that Science paper in four years time,
Will do some good for my future.
Biological products consultants, whatever;
I'm just not the cut for that research field.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to my uni life,
Pinned with little hopes;
And aimed to excel.
With me luck.

ShawnTay - Looking forward to that Taiwan trip, prime event for 2006... =)