A Game of Contradiction

I have been contradicting myself these days... these weeks... these months... or perhaps even these years... I want a break, I need a change... I been hindering my temper, my rage, my emotions for a long time... a long long time...

Parents, if you know I have a blog, please read! Stop all these to me! Stop making me feel guilty about my injury over and over again! Stop asking me whether I had ate my painkillers though is an essential to survive these days! Stop waiting for me every night until 2am, or sometimes, even 5am!!! Stop asking me to give in to my brother, he got his bad temper, I got mine too, is a form of hereditary! Stop gossiping with aunt that I might a gay, cause I don't bring any girls home like bro (I'm not a trash bag nor a casanova, I'm not him)! Stop saying that army is a good form of relaxation, it's definetely not!

And WHY?! Friends, or even my enemies, or anyone who hate me but appear to be my friend, tell me! Why should I act as a gentleman, giving my best wishing even though it hurts right deep inside that organ, called the heart? Why should I have to laugh and cheer up when I really really feeling down? Why should I treat something as a joke even though I think is more of a sarcasm? Why should I appear to be so joyful and easy going even though I just a petty guy wishing for nothing but peace? Why is my brain controlling its ownself , and keep remind me of memories that I wanna delete?

I kept telling people... Closed friends who have fall out of love... Or buddies who have been rejected... "Life got to continue, and time will heal everything... You will find the right one soon... Don't worry, I'll be beside you... Don't cry and cheer up!" Hey! These are all bullshits! Life got to continue, yah, cause you have no choice! Time will not heal anything if you love strong or deeply enough, in fact it will make you have desire and longed for her or him even more... The right one will never appear if you can't forget that special someone in your heart... There's no point having anyone besides you, cause you won't give a damn about what the person said, in fact, he or she will become a nuisance, or even an enemy though she or he meant good... Cry! Of course, unless you don't have tear ducts, this are all parts of your physiological system... Cheer up, yah, in front of your friends, before they get irritated and sick of your love story, and leave you slowly...

These months, I have experienced all these... Hua was there to care, brothers were there to concern... Thanks, it meant alot, but truefully, I really think is irritating to force her out of my mind... I can't... It wasn't easy... And I lied! She wasn't out of my mind at all!

Some girls reading this blog, you might find it annoying and pestering when a guy like me is falling for you... Yah, I know I am, but I really can't get her out of my mind... Perhaps, I might be just an irritant to her now, or perhaps she will regret liking me in the first place, but she is still there vividly in my thoughts, every day, every places, an even in my private journal entries... Though I have analysed, and found out that there is far no way she gonna be mine, I'm still there waiting aimlessly...

And sorry to those girls I have crushes on these months, who accepted me... I'm sorry that it always came to an end before anything could happen, cause she will always reappear in my mind and affect my ability to think... I do like you people, but I can't love you like from a boy to a girl... Is probably sweet when a boy's and a girl's souls linked together and become one... I can't do that... Cause I'm souless...

Hua, is this all you want to know? These is probably all... Dun be angry or disappointed with me please... Cause I'm already angry with my stupid actions, and disappoined with what I am today... Brothers, stop bringing and asking me to know girls, there's no point, unless she's out of my mind! But really, thanks, alot... in whatever way you guys helped me... I'm grateful...

Upon here, I'm writing all these... Not because I want to make people pity me... Neither am I trying to hint her, and beg her to love me back... It is nothing but a starting point... Cause I think I'm ready to forget all these that have been hibernating in my mind for months... Some friends, you might be surprised that I will stop contacting you or get away from you... Is not because I don't care for you as a friend, but is most probably because you are too close to her, and I think the only way to forget her is totally to get anything related to her out of my mind... Perhaps, one day, she and me will become friends again... By then, she, you and me can be real buddies, and I'll definitely enjoy all those outings with you guys... But right now, I am determine to forget... Give me time... The day I'll forget, will probably be the day I stop talking about her... It might be a day, a week, a month, a year... I don't know... Wish me luck...